Single Ladies - What's Up With The "List"

I am married, I have been for quite some time.  I will be the first to admit that I know very little about dating.  My husband was my first serious relationship, so I don’t have much dating experience.  But as I have more and more conversations with my girlfriends who are unmarried about why they have not found a man suitable enough to marry, there is one constant thing that continues to surface and that thing is THE LIST.  For those who are familiar with the ‘list’ it requires no explanation, for those who are unfamiliar with the ‘list’, it might be a wonderful thing that you remain untainted and unaware.

I have heard so much about this ‘list’ in the last several months. Some of my friends have short lists (35 or less items) and some have long lists (in excess of 100 items).  The items are so varied and implausible that I often wonder why my friends haven’t just put the list in a sealed envelope and mailed it off to Santa.  Before you roll your eyes and prepare to start telling me off, I am in no way suggesting that a woman should not know what she desires in and from her relationships from dating up to marriage, because you should.  Just keep reading before you decide to shut me down.

The items on my friends combined lists include things like 1.) Have a job with benefits that includes a high six figure income 2.) Own a home 3.) No baby mama’s 4.) Like’s to travel  5.) Can’t live with his mama 6.) Drives a foreign car and gets a new one every 2 years 7.) Needs to be willing to spend a lot of time together

My question to one friend after hearing her extensive list was “Is this list derived from all of the things that went wrong in your previous relationships or is it truly compiled of items that make a man right for you?’  I would challenge you in the same way, think for a moment on these things; Did a Foreign Car make it to the list because you dated someone with a car that wouldn’t start while out on a date and you were forced to ride home with another friend or worse in a tow truck?  Did no baby mama’s make it to the list because you dated a man who lacked the resolve to protect you from the antics of his most recent jilted lover? 

I wonder if women ever stop to consider the logic of their “list”.  For example, a man who has a high six figure job is more than likely going to be dedicated to his career and have little time to spend with you.  There is a trade off/compromise for success in life. “To whom much is given, much is required” is a profound truth. 

In reality, perhaps the Cinderella mentality has jaded the female perception of “Happily Ever After,” Cinderella was a common girl who gained protection, provision and privilege all with the wave of a wand. Without dating, Cinderella gained the world all because of a shoe that fit. Girls are reminded that they are princesses from the moment that they enter the world.  But the reality is that Prince Charming and Cinderella are ideals from a writer’s imagination. 

We have evolved into a culture that wants things to happen so quickly, possibly because a good chocolate cake can bake in the microwave for 2 minutes instead of requiring hours of mixing and baking. But in actuality a lasting relationship is not created before the ding of the microwave timer but instead requires time to merge, mix, bake, rise and settle.  It is impossible to know if this is the man for you from a two second encounter in a grocery store.  Relationships develop over time.  How often have you heard the wife in a happy, stable marriage say “I didn’t even like him when we first met.”

We all want that special someone to love us forever.  But how often do we consider what love really is.  Love is patient, kind, never gives up, wants more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, have a swelled head or force itself on others.  Love doesn’t always consider “me first.” Love doesn’t fly off the handle. Love is slow to anger, Love doesn’t keep score or revel when others are down.  Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.  Love always looks for the best in others, never looks back at what could have been.  Love keeps going until the end.

What I will say is of all of my married friends, I don’t know of one who found true love through the “list”.

So I would contend that your list can be narrowed down to two things:

1.)  He must love and honor God

2.)  He must love and honor me

The love and honor that your mate gives to God will transcend into your relationship as he loves you.  The patience of love will yield a soft tone, a calm temperament.  In wanting more for others than it wants for self, love will make your man strive to provide you with your heart’s deepest desires. 

I would also encourage to create two new lists:

1.)  A list of all the qualities that you will bring to the relationship.  Let go of the sense of entitlement and instead create a list that reminds you of the love that you have to give and the qualities that make you “loveable.”

2.)  A ‘vision list’.  The vision list contains all of your hopes, dreams and goals in life.   The vision list should include specific details of the things you desire.  Things that you want to share with your husband.  Like children, travel, career, financial goals, spirituality. And before you disqualify a man, share that list and if he is not afraid and more so willing to take the journey  of your dreams with you, then he will show up for the next date.  

Marriage is a significant covenant relationship. Marriage is the merging of two complete individuals who come together as one to create something greater than either of them could be on their own. What you will find once you are married is that people change and relationships evolve.  Change is not a bad thing it is all a part of personal growth.  Think of it this way the relationship between a mother and her baby changes as the baby transitions through childhood, adolescence and into an adult.  Interpersonal growth does not stop once you reach adulthood so you need to be willing to grow with your Mr. Right.  In marriage the evolution and transitional periods are common amongst two people committed to a love that will keep going until the end of their lives.

In your quest know that there is no such thing as a perfect mate, male or female.  Before considering long term, intimate relationships both parties need to be accepting of the fact that humanity is flawed. But while you are waiting for Mr. ComeSweepMeOffMyFeet, remain open to the all of the possibilities of love. 

Tired of Being Mad

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t find happiness if it were delivered to my front door by paid courier in a 10 foot box wrapped in my favorite chocolate, adorned with flashing Christmas lights.  Difficulty was my friend and we coexisted without much regard for how we effected the people around me. Every moment of every day I was on the verge of delving deeper into anger and hostility, and it didn't take much to set me off.  If the smallest detail was not as I planned or someone said the wrong thing to me, watch out and be sure to duck for cover!  I didn't want to be that way but I wasn't doing anything personally to change it.

Periodically, I would look at my husband and say, “I am not happy, what are you going to do about it?”  As I write this, I am really ashamed that the statement was ever a part of my truth.  But the fact is that I expected him to ride in on a white stallion, pull his sword and command the universe to make me happy just like any good knight would do.

It would be unfair of me to insinuate that my husband did not give his best effort to elevate my spirit, because he did.  As much as I wanted it to be his responsibility to make me happy, it was not.  Just like things, money and materialistic pleasures have proved time and time again to not be the anecdote to personal misery automatically making the unhappy joyous, it is unreasonable to suggest that one person can bring another sustained happiness.  Even if happy moments manifest because of actions from people via gifts or kind words, the feeling is usually temporal and not representative of true joy. 

The moment that I realized that my happiness was directly connected to my personal ability to choose to be happy in spite of, I started to live a satisfying life.  You see, happiness is a personal choice and in neglecting to make the choice, a person essentially chooses the opposite of happiness which is misery.  In choosing happiness, one makes a decision that regardless of the daily nuisances, frustrations and aggravations that seek to destroy and distract,   that you will remain committed to a consistent state of joy.  

Remaining happy is most likely not the easiest choice.  As a matter of the fact, the decision is further complicated when life isn’t going well.  It is probably simpler to waller in self pity and allow situations to dictate our emotional state.  But happiness is not about everything in your life being perfectly aligned at the same time.  It is accepting that anything that is “out of sequence/line” is temporary and the “out of whack” things detached from everything else in your life are not worth upsetting the balance and harmony of the things that are going well.  Admittedly it is hard work to choose to be happy.  The choice requires a constant repositioning of your thoughts, words and emotions away from the negative towards the positive.

People who are able to maintain a content persona even in the midst of tough times have conquered and lived through this important life lesson.  Happiness is not a magical feeling that happens automatically, it is a choice.  Your personal happiness cannot be dependent upon what people around you say and do, because that makes your happiness volatile and easily devastated.

A life rooted in happiness is for the courageous, selfless, focused, decisive individual who says “NO” to the path of frustration and stress and instead says “YES” to a pathway of peace.  We all own our individual happiness as well as our personal responses/reactions to moments that may cause us to lose sight of the joy that life in Him brings.   In the times when there are causes, people or things that are not ideal and seek to dismantle your disposition, you must choose to remain happy.  So now when people look at me and ask “When did you become so happy?”  My response is always simple, “It happened the day that I decided that my way wasn't working and better was possible if I chose to be happy.”

Kermeshea Evans is the author of the 2010 Breakthrough Novel “Going To Church To Catch Hell” available in most places where books are sold and via Kindle and Nook.  In 2012 her follow up novel "What Now Finding the Confidence to Move On" was released

A Life of Love

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry..." John 4:17-18 (The Message)

For the past few days, I've had a number conversations with different people who are  struggling through relationships with family members. People who are frustrated that they give more love than they receive. People who feel like they aren't getting enough from family and that their response towards them is lacking. People who are hurting because of words said or actions taken that didn't comfort, calm or encourage but instead destroyed. People arguing over simple things that have now become unmanageable.  People with different perspectives that seemingly can not find common ground.

I understand the hurt that these individuals feel and expressing the wrongs that have been done feels like the right thing to do and on the surface seems comforting. I know that what you continually rehearse in your thoughts will eventually become the image that you have of yourself, good or not so good.  So,  I have shared the same advise with all of them. So I decided that I would share it with you because its advise that helped me when I was in the same mindset. 

Instead of focusing on what the family member didn't do that's negative, think of as many things that you can that highlight what they did do that was positive. And in the moments when thoughts surface that are negative (ie they didnt call when you needed and they knew you were having a crisis, they didnt show up to that monumental event in your life) and those negative thoughts make you angry, heartbroken or sad, change your thought process towards the things that the person did do that are positive. You may have to think really hard but try to remember at least one good thing, it doesn't need to be huge or significant, it just needs to be positive.

Festering in a mindset of anger and confusion never settles anything and only serves to defeat and deflate the way that you see yourself. The Bible says that love when applied in its Biblical context in the manner that God loves us and instructs us to love one another will mature within us such that our fears are banished. Fear surfaces in many ways even through thoughts of abandonment, rejection, worry, confusion and loss of love. Fear cripples your life and as long as your focus is on your fears you can never clearly see the path to the promise.

I have tried this and I assure you that if you embrace a positive mindset and let His love cover your thoughts your life will change for the better.

An Ear to Hear From God

It’s a daily battle to remain confident when discouragement is always lurking.  Loss of a job, bills to pay, economic distress, breakdowns in relationships with family and friends; all of these things can cause a person to lose hope.  When life deals a constant flow of unfortunate circumstances it is difficult for a person to choose to move forward with enthusiastic hope.

The book of Exodus begins with the story of the people of Israel under the rule of a new king of Egypt who was unfamiliar with the promises that had been made to Joseph. The new king developed a plan and made the people of Israel slaves in an attempt to contain them and keep them under control.  The people of Israel once strong and confident eventually landed in a perpetual state of despair after years of hard labor under the rule of the king.  They were severely discouraged.

Discouragement happens when we lose hope in an area that is important to us.  Areas like family, finances, careers, our futures.  The loss of hope becomes despair and we unwillingly become settled that our current state is the way that life is supposed to be. Eventually just like the people of Israel we lose the fire that fuels our inner expectation that life can and will get better.

As the story continues, the king of Egypt dies, the children of Israel cry out to God hoping that He will rescue them from years of hard labor.  Exodus 2:25 reads “God saw what was going on with Israel and He understood.”  So God’s plan is initiated to use Moses to deliver the people of Israel. When Moses tells the children of Israel that the time has come, God has heard their cries and a plan is in place to deliver them from Egypt.  The Bible records that When Moses brought the good news to the children of Israel because they were so beaten and discouraged by their circumstances they could not hear. (Exodus 6:9) The people were defeated and discouraged so much so that when the good news of a new future came from God by way of Moses, they were not able to hear it.  The people of Israel had lost the hope and confidence that God has the power to bring them out, rescue them, redeem them and intervene on their behalf. God needs no explanation for why He does what He does, its simply because He is God.

Have months or years of hard times closed your heart and ears from hearing the voice of God giving you confirmation of His promise to bring you out from underneath desperate times? Don’t get so bogged down by life that your ears become closed to the voice of God bringing your deliverance. If you cannot hear His voice telling you that your time has come, that His plan is in the works to rescue you; then you won’t be able to recognize when He opens the doors of opportunity for you to walk through.

You have do your part, never allow yourself to become so discouraged that you are convinced that God has turned His back on you.  When life seems to defeat you and you feel as if you have been hit with the final knockout punch the key is to remain hopeful that God has not taken His eye off of you. Exodus 3:7-8 says that, “God came down to help the people of Israel, to pry them loose from the grip of Egypt and bring them to a good land with wide-open spaces.” Trust that He will do the same for you, His plan is already in the works to bring you to your own place of change.  A new opportunity for you is on the horizon, you just need to have an ear to hear.

Friends, A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

If I take a moment to be completely transparent, as strong of a person as I am, I have struggled with the idea of relationship rejection.  My life experiences have caused me to be sensitive in the way that I handle relationships with others, family and non family members alike.   I don’t like the idea that somehow something that I did or did not do contributed to the weakening of any of my friendships.

I have heard the message, people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. That mantra had been difficult for me to accept.  Admittedly if I had things my way, I would hold on to all of my relationships for a lifetime.  I don’t like the idea of a “swinging door of friendships”;  you know a different best friend every week.  Frankly, I would rather put a deadlock on the friendship door with a sign that commands all friends to stay and amicably work all grievances out. The reason or season thing to me seems unkind, unloving and lacking of the patience that I always hope that I am able to demonstrate towards others.  I am aware that people change, circumstances change but still it has been difficult for me to be settled with the realization that some of the people that I have a personal relationship with today might not accompany me on the journey to my tomorrow.  

You see I am the girl who is constantly trying to salvage the lost relationship. I don’t want to be known as the offender who doesn’t treat others well. I strive to communicate well so that the intention of my words are not misunderstood.   I am eternally optimistic towards the thought that even if I feel wronged, I should offer a second chance repeatedly.   So I would return multiple times, if necessary, to a failed personal relationship hoping that somehow I could will the person to be ready and agreeable to renew the relationship and moving forward in peace. But you know what,   I cannot think of one time that my efforts have been successful long term.   The person and I might achieve harmony for a moment but eventually, a similar circumstance would occur that caused the relationship to change. 

I have one son who just likes to ride, so no matter who is leaving the house and where they are going he always wants to tag along. Knowing this, my husband and I make certain that we tell him as we are getting dressed to leave out, I am going “here,” if you want to go you need to get ready.  A few weeks ago I was preparing to run errands and I made the normal announcement.  He made his intention to ride known but he didn’t move, just sat there doing whatever he was doing and never made an effort to get ready.  When I was ready to leave, he seemed surprised and wanted me to wait for him to get himself together.  But I couldn’t wait, I had an appointment and waiting for him would cause me to be late.  So like any mother would do, I explained to him that I was running late and I had to go, so he wasn’t going to be able to ride with me this time.

Of course he wasn’t happy, let the pouting begin.  So you know it wasn’t soon after I left home that I got a call from my husband asking “Why did I leave my son behind?”  As I was trying to provide the reason and heard my own words echo through the phone I finally became comfortable with the finality of some relationships where I had been unsettled with their ending. My reply was simply, “He wasn’t ready to go.”

I can definitely pinpoint the root of the collapse of those relationships that I had not been able to reconnect was because that person wasn’t ready to go with me.  There was one longstanding relationship who wasn’t willing to accept the healed Kermeshea, this person wanted me to remain vulnerable and bitter and just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to continue to have conversations rehearsing the past.   Then there was the person who wanted me to slow down, I was “moving too fast” and “acting like I was all of that.”  It’s at this point that I began to second guess my actions and consider what I could do to change these friends’ minds about how they perceive me. 

It has been said that growth happens when we choose the wisdom that we’ve learned and create something with it.  I am happy to have matured to become comfortable with not knowing what could have become of the relationships that got lost along the way.  And I have learned that what I classified as refusal to accept the rejection associated with the normal cycle of relationships was really just personal rebellion.  I am grateful for growth that has reinforced to me that I deserve peace in all my relationships.  That’s not to say that there won’t be disagreement but just that disagreement doesn’t always lead to demise.   

That day when my son wanted to ride, if I had waited,  I would have definitely been late for my appointment or missed it all together.  The same is true in life, holding on or returning to a lost relationship can cause us to miss the divine appointment with our future. The effort spent repairing rifts and strategically maneuvering so as not to cause a new “upset” moment in the relationship is time that is better spent focused on activities that bring us closer to realizing success in every area of our life. 

That Saturday morning, I gave my son all the information that he needed to prepare himself to be ready to go with me.  But video games were his priority and his attention was diverted. Time ran out and he was surprised when I emerged from my bedroom ready to leave.  In life our conversations change, our priorities shift as we are  making ourselves ready for the next step of growth and maturity.  People who are paying attention will notice the signs of impending change, so our forward progress is really no shock to them.  People who are rooting you on to the next point of success will understand when your personal growth necessitates movement.  And those who are supposed to travel the next leg of the journey with you will be prepared and positioned when the time comes to go.

For me, that moment has manifested that allows me to look back at the time spent in my past relationships and not view it as a waste but instead as moments that brought me closer to where I am today. Additionally, I have learned a few lessons that will guide me in the future.  Mainly that I don’t have to carry the burden of responsibility alone. Relationships, no matter how they are classified (friendship, marriage, coworker) are equal opportunities for fulfillment that require 100% effort from all involved. 

So now I have confidence that there are some people who are in my life with reason or for a season; these relationships have altered who I am, molded who I have become, taught me who I want to be and strengthened the ways that I rely on my faith. And, then there are those lifetime relationships that have become the foundation that I use to determine the appropriate cycle for all other relationships. Now that I know that all my relationships won’t be ready to go where I am headed, I am no longer afraid of losing some people along the way

A Piece of My Passion

I am a Preacher’s Kid, the majority of my life was spent in church.  So there are some things that when I see and hear them my first thought is “oh God would not be pleased with this.”  Last night, I tuned into TLC’s new reality series, The Sisterhood, a show marketed as reality with a spiritual twist complete with an insider’s view into the lives of preacher’s wives outside of the church. 

Overall, I am  increasingly disgusted by reality television and the stereotypes that it perpetuates.  Tuning into ‘The Sisterhood’, deep down inside, I hoped that I was about to view an unscripted, positive reflection of the black family and the black church. I thought that I was going to see a show that highlighted the daily duties of a few preacher’s wive’s who were working as an extension of their husbands church ministry making an impact in their church and community.  I hoped that I wouldn’t see women whispering in a corner talking about one another, but I did.  I wished that I wouldn’t see neck rolling, “who gone check me boo? moments, but I did. What I viewed was a direct contrast to what I was expecting, religion set in and after only two minutes my first thought was “God would not be pleased with this.”

But I continued to watch because I know that reality television is just a conglomerate of real moments edited by line editors and producers who leverage their own ideas of reality into the final cut. Today, I am ready to admit that perhaps I was hasty in my initial reaction because there were some “highlightable moments” from the show.

Some truth moments:

1. Most people interact with their pastors wife for 2 hours on the holiest day of her week (Sunday).  So to emphatically state “my pastors wife is not like this” is misguided. Do I know pastors wives who act like these women? Yep, I sure do  Do I know pastors wives who are completely different?  Yes, I sure do.  My point here is that there is no way for us to know the full intent of these women’s hearts from a 1 hour episode.

  

1. The discussion that Pastor Brian had with his daughters about sex was absolutely necessary.  Admittedly, I thought that some of that moment was private and a bit much for television.  But the truth is STDs are real and yes there are pastors daughters who have contracted them.  What I saw in that moment was a father being authentic and acknowledging that he didn’t come into this world a perfect Pastor, but along the way he made some mistakes.  Hopefully by having this real talk sex session, he has equipped his daughters with natural and spiritual tools to discern well about sex.

1. As one of the pastors wives whose husband had just closed the doors of his church visited another pastors wives thriving church, she had a moment where she thought, “this should be me.” A real moment, that happens more often than most in church leadership are willing to admit.  The unspoken competition to be greater instead of being better.  And a chilling reminder that when we compare our lives to others it keeps us from clearly seeing the provision and promise that God has for us. 

Now most will read this and like me will want to defend the pulpit in their own church as being so not like this show and want to immediately categorize the show as disgraceful and damaging to the church.  Because I am a firm believer that the questionable actions of a few can’t destroy the reputations of many, I don’t view this show as detrimental, but that could be the optimistic side of me.  I recognize that there is an overwhelming opposing viewpoint and to those who think otherwise I offer the following points to ponder.

1. It’s Time To Invest -  We worship in buildings that seat thousands and use them two days out of the week.  If we want to change the way that the Christian lifestyle is recorded by Hollywood Executives, a real investment in the next generation of potential Television Producers, Writers and Editors is necessary.  Why aren’t we using the church’s resources to provide a scriptural based spiritual foundation along with educational, vocational and training programs her young people?  The next generation of creative contributors can take Hollywood over with a moral compass that seeks to bring honor and reverence to  God in all that they do.  We need to get back to the basics of teaching our children the principles recognizing that His promises are automatic if they live the principle.

1. It’s Time to Commit - How often do we start and stop outreach initiatives because the success we envisioned is not immediate?  It’s time to commit.  Lack of commitment breeds indecision.  Our individual commitment provides confidence to others that we expect that the outcome will be success.  We need to show the world that we are committed to His work and His ways and will not be pushed around or dismayed by their attempts to decrease and destroy the greatness of our God.

1. It’s Past Time for Change - Change begins with each of us individually.  And, truthfully we shouldn’t wait until another person’s actions bring justification for the need to change.  I believe that the smallest change can yield significant rewards.  So if Christians want to change the way that the world sees us and responds to us, we need to start with ourselves.  Downgrading, despising and/or defending the works of others is a detriment to personal elevation (change).  Allow your personal change to be what leads others to want to know Christ.

1. Stop Believing the Press Clippings - Don’t allow what you hear and see in mass media, television or news to make you start to believe that this world is hopeless or that your contribution won’t matter.  The race isn’t finished and none of us knows the end.  Our work is not done, nor is it ever in vain.  We must continue to focus our efforts and attentions on contributing to progress with sincerity of heart and mind for His glory and not our own.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The question Should I Stay or Should I Go has come up in several forums this week as a result of Eddie Long’s settlement and Creflo Dollar’s defense of his “friend.”  Before you gasp, hold your chest and say “Oh girl, touch not my anointed”, this blog is not really about either of those two men, it is about the people in the pews who are conflicted between allegiance to their “pastor” and that unsettled feeling that they now have about being subject to his leadership.

However, if I did want to say something about either one of these two individuals the scripture “Touch not my anointed, do my prophets no harm”;  a variation of the same words found in both I Chronicles 16:22 and Psalm 105:15 are not intended to be interpreted as “don’t say nothing about the pastor.”  The scripture is misused and misappropriated by modern day pastors who believe that they have an all access, irrevocable membership into a club that allows them to treat people any way that they choose.   First, people need to have a clearer understanding of what the scriptures mean, reading the verses before and after.  Secondly, quoting the scripture as a means of justifying “special entitlement” or absolving one of the crime of spiritually abusing the sheep (people in the pews) is entirely missing the point of being a servant of the Lord, an extension of Christ in the earth realm.  But, I digress because that is a totally different subject and not encompassing of the intention of what I am writing today.

Recently in the news there was a Pastor who battled and fought a major news station for several years and won to clear his name of an accusation of dishonesty and a lie spread about him through the media.  There is no amount of money or length of time that is too great to an innocent man.   God will always vindicate the righteous.

As the daughter of a mega church pastor I have seen and heard things in my life that I know grieved the heart of God.  It is these life experiences that fuel my passion when I see people struggling to justify and defend the actions of abusive church leadership and submitting themselves and their families to the authority of these men and women by saying, “But God hasn’t told me to leave.”   

To that I say, “Have you specifically heard God say stay?”  Its so interesting the extent that people will go to as a means of defending being in the wrong place (church).  If you were sick do you need to hear God say, go see a doctor?  If you heard one of your children screaming out in anguish (pain), do you need to hear God say, go see what’s happening to your child?   I am sure you get my point.  But I would also contend that when you are in an abusive church under the direction of a man or woman who is continually abusing the role of the Pastor by mistreating people inside and outside of the church with an unrepentant heart, God has spoken to you about leaving.  

As a believer God has given you the gift of spiritual discernment (the ability to judge well).  Spiritual discernment is leading (direction) on matters including actions, intents and the course of times that we live in.   Discernment is not something magical, it is the Holy Spirit at work nudging us, leading us and sometimes just pulling you by the nose to increase your awareness and heighten your sensibility to the ways of God.  Discernment allows believers to decipher between God’s way or our way.  

A gut check to use and discern if you are under the wrong leadership:

• Is the message and overall direction of the church centered around Jesus Christ and His Good News?  I Corinthians 1:2-3
• Do the teachings direct you to live a life aligned to scripture and not away from it? Isaiah 8:19
• Do the teachings create a love of righteousness, a fear of sin and a turning away from evil?
• Does the lifestyle of leadership coincide with the message?
• If your Pastors character met his/her message on the street, would they know each other?

The scripture admonishes us to “study to show [ourselves] approved” II Timothy 2:15, in doing so a deeper understanding of the scripture on your own, ‘rightly dividing the truth’ will aid in increasing your ability to justly discern.

A part of my experience in church included seeing a non negotiable line of righteousness for the pew that did not necessarily transcend up to the pulpit, your basic “do as I say, not as I do.”  Lay members who violated the terms of righteousness (ie not tithing,  not coming to every church service regularly) or sinned against God (pregnant out of wedlock or adultery) were removed from their positions so that they could be “ministered to”.   I have witnessed my father removing his “son’s” in the ministry from their own pulpit because of their indiscretions.   Mr. Long’s situation makes me wonder when one of his “friends” will admonish against his actions in love.  “Open rebuke is better than secret love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend...” (Proverbs 27:5-6)   The scripture is given for reproof and correction so that we are equipped for every good work.

In this situation with Mr. Long, a settlement is neither an admission of guilt or innocence, the result of the settlement is that the public will never know the details.  As believers the scripture admonishes us to “abstain from the appearance of evil.‘   When will Mr. Long sit down to be ministered to?  In the Pastoral Epistles (I Timothy, 2 Timothy and Titus), Paul outlines the requirements of the office of the Bishop.  “A Bishop must be blameless”  Additionally, my Bible teaches that God will always ensure that an innocent man’s name is cleared.  Whoever believes [who trusts] in Him will never be put to shame (Romans 10:11).   Not only is Mr. Long’s situation disgraceful for him, it is embarrassing for the members and followers of his teachings.  Which brings me back to the point of that urging, discernment of things.  If the righteous are never brought to shame, God gave signs to the righteous followers before the collapse of this ministry.  It is that still small voice, that raises questions in your spirit and makes you uncomfortable with things that you saw and heard, that we tend to ignore.  Or if we don’t ignore, we quiet the voice by saying “well this Pastor has never done anything to me.”

I believe that in many situations people hold on to situations and relationships for which God has already provided an escape because of the investment that they have made.  That investment comes in many forms - money, time, commitment, loyalty.   It’s difficult to let go.  Ask yourself, am I staying in this church because of my plans?  Is it because you will miss the friends that you have gained?  Is it because you will miss the charismatic delivery of your Pastor?  Are you putting your fleshly desires ahead of God’s plan for your life?   

If you have children, you are commissioned to protect your children.  Even if the pastor has never done anything to the children.  Your child sees what is going on, your child hears the conversations and the murmurings, your child is watching you and your actions are making an impression in their hearts of minds of how to handle similar situations.

I realize the disappointment that the members must now feel about the silence after   the bold declaration to fight back with 5 stones.  They must be angered that they stood beside their leader believing in his innocence and awaiting the day that the world would have to “back back” and declare that the murmurings of guilt were in error.  The realization that the day will never come has got to be unsettling, hurtful and angering.  To that I say, you cannot move past the hurt by remaining in a situation where the person who caused the hurt does not acknowledge the hurt (repent) and commit to change.  So I am sure that you are saying Mr. Long may have repented in his own prayer closet, at his own threshing floor and he doesn’t owe repentance to the public.  That may be the case, however the scripture is clear about handling offenses.   After Zacchaeus met Christ, he publicly repented offering restitution to others who were offended by his dishonesty. (Luke 19:8).    Paul was able to boldly declare that he had no “skeletons in his closet.”  And there was no unanswered cry out against him placing a flaw on his faithfulness to the things of God.

So after all that I still haven’t really given the reader a “Yes” or “No” to the question of whether you stay or go.  That was intentional.  I have provided my experience as well as scripture.  You own your spirituality, you own your relationship with God.  You own what you allow to dwell in your heart.  You own the decision of whether you should stay or go.      The good news is just like you run to the screams of your child, God hears your heart crying out for direction.  

Before I finish, I know I said earlier that I was done with “touch not my anointed”  but I have one more point to make, anointing under the new covenant is established for every believer.  2 Corinthians 1:21 “But it is God Who confirms and makes us steadfast and establishes us [in joint fellowship] with you in Christ, and has consecrated and anointed us [[a]enduing us with the gifts of the Holy Spirit];”   I John 2:27 “But as for you, the anointing (the sacred appointment, the unction) which you received from Him abides permanently] in you; [so] then you have no need that anyone should instruct you. But just as His anointing teaches you concerning everything and is true and is no falsehood, so you must abide in (live in, never depart from) Him [being rooted in Him, knit to Him], just as [His anointing] has taught you [to do].” 

Think on that and put your trust in God to lead and direct you.  “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice saying This is the way, walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21)  

Don’t allow your life to become a casualty of someone else’s sin.  

Kermeshea Evans is the author of the 2010 Breakthrough Novel “Going To Church To Catch Hell” available in most places where books are sold and via Kindle and Nook.  Her follow up novel “Shaking Off the Ashes” is scheduled for release later this summer