If I take a moment to be completely transparent, as strong of a person as I am, I have struggled with the idea of relationship rejection. My life experiences have caused me to be sensitive in the way that I handle relationships with others, family and non family members alike. I don’t like the idea that somehow something that I did or did not do contributed to the weakening of any of my friendships.
I have heard the message, people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. That mantra had been difficult for me to accept. Admittedly if I had things my way, I would hold on to all of my relationships for a lifetime. I don’t like the idea of a “swinging door of friendships”; you know a different best friend every week. Frankly, I would rather put a deadlock on the friendship door with a sign that commands all friends to stay and amicably work all grievances out. The reason or season thing to me seems unkind, unloving and lacking of the patience that I always hope that I am able to demonstrate towards others. I am aware that people change, circumstances change but still it has been difficult for me to be settled with the realization that some of the people that I have a personal relationship with today might not accompany me on the journey to my tomorrow.
You see I am the girl who is constantly trying to salvage the lost relationship. I don’t want to be known as the offender who doesn’t treat others well. I strive to communicate well so that the intention of my words are not misunderstood. I am eternally optimistic towards the thought that even if I feel wronged, I should offer a second chance repeatedly. So I would return multiple times, if necessary, to a failed personal relationship hoping that somehow I could will the person to be ready and agreeable to renew the relationship and moving forward in peace. But you know what, I cannot think of one time that my efforts have been successful long term. The person and I might achieve harmony for a moment but eventually, a similar circumstance would occur that caused the relationship to change.
I have one son who just likes to ride, so no matter who is leaving the house and where they are going he always wants to tag along. Knowing this, my husband and I make certain that we tell him as we are getting dressed to leave out, I am going “here,” if you want to go you need to get ready. A few weeks ago I was preparing to run errands and I made the normal announcement. He made his intention to ride known but he didn’t move, just sat there doing whatever he was doing and never made an effort to get ready. When I was ready to leave, he seemed surprised and wanted me to wait for him to get himself together. But I couldn’t wait, I had an appointment and waiting for him would cause me to be late. So like any mother would do, I explained to him that I was running late and I had to go, so he wasn’t going to be able to ride with me this time.
Of course he wasn’t happy, let the pouting begin. So you know it wasn’t soon after I left home that I got a call from my husband asking “Why did I leave my son behind?” As I was trying to provide the reason and heard my own words echo through the phone I finally became comfortable with the finality of some relationships where I had been unsettled with their ending. My reply was simply, “He wasn’t ready to go.”
I can definitely pinpoint the root of the collapse of those relationships that I had not been able to reconnect was because that person wasn’t ready to go with me. There was one longstanding relationship who wasn’t willing to accept the healed Kermeshea, this person wanted me to remain vulnerable and bitter and just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to continue to have conversations rehearsing the past. Then there was the person who wanted me to slow down, I was “moving too fast” and “acting like I was all of that.” It’s at this point that I began to second guess my actions and consider what I could do to change these friends’ minds about how they perceive me.
It has been said that growth happens when we choose the wisdom that we’ve learned and create something with it. I am happy to have matured to become comfortable with not knowing what could have become of the relationships that got lost along the way. And I have learned that what I classified as refusal to accept the rejection associated with the normal cycle of relationships was really just personal rebellion. I am grateful for growth that has reinforced to me that I deserve peace in all my relationships. That’s not to say that there won’t be disagreement but just that disagreement doesn’t always lead to demise.
That day when my son wanted to ride, if I had waited, I would have definitely been late for my appointment or missed it all together. The same is true in life, holding on or returning to a lost relationship can cause us to miss the divine appointment with our future. The effort spent repairing rifts and strategically maneuvering so as not to cause a new “upset” moment in the relationship is time that is better spent focused on activities that bring us closer to realizing success in every area of our life.
That Saturday morning, I gave my son all the information that he needed to prepare himself to be ready to go with me. But video games were his priority and his attention was diverted. Time ran out and he was surprised when I emerged from my bedroom ready to leave. In life our conversations change, our priorities shift as we are making ourselves ready for the next step of growth and maturity. People who are paying attention will notice the signs of impending change, so our forward progress is really no shock to them. People who are rooting you on to the next point of success will understand when your personal growth necessitates movement. And those who are supposed to travel the next leg of the journey with you will be prepared and positioned when the time comes to go.
For me, that moment has manifested that allows me to look back at the time spent in my past relationships and not view it as a waste but instead as moments that brought me closer to where I am today. Additionally, I have learned a few lessons that will guide me in the future. Mainly that I don’t have to carry the burden of responsibility alone. Relationships, no matter how they are classified (friendship, marriage, coworker) are equal opportunities for fulfillment that require 100% effort from all involved.
So now I have confidence that there are some people who are in my life with reason or for a season; these relationships have altered who I am, molded who I have become, taught me who I want to be and strengthened the ways that I rely on my faith. And, then there are those lifetime relationships that have become the foundation that I use to determine the appropriate cycle for all other relationships. Now that I know that all my relationships won’t be ready to go where I am headed, I am no longer afraid of losing some people along the way
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