Single Ladies - What's Up With The "List"

I am married, I have been for quite some time.  I will be the first to admit that I know very little about dating.  My husband was my first serious relationship, so I don’t have much dating experience.  But as I have more and more conversations with my girlfriends who are unmarried about why they have not found a man suitable enough to marry, there is one constant thing that continues to surface and that thing is THE LIST.  For those who are familiar with the ‘list’ it requires no explanation, for those who are unfamiliar with the ‘list’, it might be a wonderful thing that you remain untainted and unaware.

I have heard so much about this ‘list’ in the last several months. Some of my friends have short lists (35 or less items) and some have long lists (in excess of 100 items).  The items are so varied and implausible that I often wonder why my friends haven’t just put the list in a sealed envelope and mailed it off to Santa.  Before you roll your eyes and prepare to start telling me off, I am in no way suggesting that a woman should not know what she desires in and from her relationships from dating up to marriage, because you should.  Just keep reading before you decide to shut me down.

The items on my friends combined lists include things like 1.) Have a job with benefits that includes a high six figure income 2.) Own a home 3.) No baby mama’s 4.) Like’s to travel  5.) Can’t live with his mama 6.) Drives a foreign car and gets a new one every 2 years 7.) Needs to be willing to spend a lot of time together

My question to one friend after hearing her extensive list was “Is this list derived from all of the things that went wrong in your previous relationships or is it truly compiled of items that make a man right for you?’  I would challenge you in the same way, think for a moment on these things; Did a Foreign Car make it to the list because you dated someone with a car that wouldn’t start while out on a date and you were forced to ride home with another friend or worse in a tow truck?  Did no baby mama’s make it to the list because you dated a man who lacked the resolve to protect you from the antics of his most recent jilted lover? 

I wonder if women ever stop to consider the logic of their “list”.  For example, a man who has a high six figure job is more than likely going to be dedicated to his career and have little time to spend with you.  There is a trade off/compromise for success in life. “To whom much is given, much is required” is a profound truth. 

In reality, perhaps the Cinderella mentality has jaded the female perception of “Happily Ever After,” Cinderella was a common girl who gained protection, provision and privilege all with the wave of a wand. Without dating, Cinderella gained the world all because of a shoe that fit. Girls are reminded that they are princesses from the moment that they enter the world.  But the reality is that Prince Charming and Cinderella are ideals from a writer’s imagination. 

We have evolved into a culture that wants things to happen so quickly, possibly because a good chocolate cake can bake in the microwave for 2 minutes instead of requiring hours of mixing and baking. But in actuality a lasting relationship is not created before the ding of the microwave timer but instead requires time to merge, mix, bake, rise and settle.  It is impossible to know if this is the man for you from a two second encounter in a grocery store.  Relationships develop over time.  How often have you heard the wife in a happy, stable marriage say “I didn’t even like him when we first met.”

We all want that special someone to love us forever.  But how often do we consider what love really is.  Love is patient, kind, never gives up, wants more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, have a swelled head or force itself on others.  Love doesn’t always consider “me first.” Love doesn’t fly off the handle. Love is slow to anger, Love doesn’t keep score or revel when others are down.  Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.  Love always looks for the best in others, never looks back at what could have been.  Love keeps going until the end.

What I will say is of all of my married friends, I don’t know of one who found true love through the “list”.

So I would contend that your list can be narrowed down to two things:

1.)  He must love and honor God

2.)  He must love and honor me

The love and honor that your mate gives to God will transcend into your relationship as he loves you.  The patience of love will yield a soft tone, a calm temperament.  In wanting more for others than it wants for self, love will make your man strive to provide you with your heart’s deepest desires. 

I would also encourage to create two new lists:

1.)  A list of all the qualities that you will bring to the relationship.  Let go of the sense of entitlement and instead create a list that reminds you of the love that you have to give and the qualities that make you “loveable.”

2.)  A ‘vision list’.  The vision list contains all of your hopes, dreams and goals in life.   The vision list should include specific details of the things you desire.  Things that you want to share with your husband.  Like children, travel, career, financial goals, spirituality. And before you disqualify a man, share that list and if he is not afraid and more so willing to take the journey  of your dreams with you, then he will show up for the next date.  

Marriage is a significant covenant relationship. Marriage is the merging of two complete individuals who come together as one to create something greater than either of them could be on their own. What you will find once you are married is that people change and relationships evolve.  Change is not a bad thing it is all a part of personal growth.  Think of it this way the relationship between a mother and her baby changes as the baby transitions through childhood, adolescence and into an adult.  Interpersonal growth does not stop once you reach adulthood so you need to be willing to grow with your Mr. Right.  In marriage the evolution and transitional periods are common amongst two people committed to a love that will keep going until the end of their lives.

In your quest know that there is no such thing as a perfect mate, male or female.  Before considering long term, intimate relationships both parties need to be accepting of the fact that humanity is flawed. But while you are waiting for Mr. ComeSweepMeOffMyFeet, remain open to the all of the possibilities of love. 

Tired of Being Mad

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t find happiness if it were delivered to my front door by paid courier in a 10 foot box wrapped in my favorite chocolate, adorned with flashing Christmas lights.  Difficulty was my friend and we coexisted without much regard for how we effected the people around me. Every moment of every day I was on the verge of delving deeper into anger and hostility, and it didn't take much to set me off.  If the smallest detail was not as I planned or someone said the wrong thing to me, watch out and be sure to duck for cover!  I didn't want to be that way but I wasn't doing anything personally to change it.

Periodically, I would look at my husband and say, “I am not happy, what are you going to do about it?”  As I write this, I am really ashamed that the statement was ever a part of my truth.  But the fact is that I expected him to ride in on a white stallion, pull his sword and command the universe to make me happy just like any good knight would do.

It would be unfair of me to insinuate that my husband did not give his best effort to elevate my spirit, because he did.  As much as I wanted it to be his responsibility to make me happy, it was not.  Just like things, money and materialistic pleasures have proved time and time again to not be the anecdote to personal misery automatically making the unhappy joyous, it is unreasonable to suggest that one person can bring another sustained happiness.  Even if happy moments manifest because of actions from people via gifts or kind words, the feeling is usually temporal and not representative of true joy. 

The moment that I realized that my happiness was directly connected to my personal ability to choose to be happy in spite of, I started to live a satisfying life.  You see, happiness is a personal choice and in neglecting to make the choice, a person essentially chooses the opposite of happiness which is misery.  In choosing happiness, one makes a decision that regardless of the daily nuisances, frustrations and aggravations that seek to destroy and distract,   that you will remain committed to a consistent state of joy.  

Remaining happy is most likely not the easiest choice.  As a matter of the fact, the decision is further complicated when life isn’t going well.  It is probably simpler to waller in self pity and allow situations to dictate our emotional state.  But happiness is not about everything in your life being perfectly aligned at the same time.  It is accepting that anything that is “out of sequence/line” is temporary and the “out of whack” things detached from everything else in your life are not worth upsetting the balance and harmony of the things that are going well.  Admittedly it is hard work to choose to be happy.  The choice requires a constant repositioning of your thoughts, words and emotions away from the negative towards the positive.

People who are able to maintain a content persona even in the midst of tough times have conquered and lived through this important life lesson.  Happiness is not a magical feeling that happens automatically, it is a choice.  Your personal happiness cannot be dependent upon what people around you say and do, because that makes your happiness volatile and easily devastated.

A life rooted in happiness is for the courageous, selfless, focused, decisive individual who says “NO” to the path of frustration and stress and instead says “YES” to a pathway of peace.  We all own our individual happiness as well as our personal responses/reactions to moments that may cause us to lose sight of the joy that life in Him brings.   In the times when there are causes, people or things that are not ideal and seek to dismantle your disposition, you must choose to remain happy.  So now when people look at me and ask “When did you become so happy?”  My response is always simple, “It happened the day that I decided that my way wasn't working and better was possible if I chose to be happy.”

Kermeshea Evans is the author of the 2010 Breakthrough Novel “Going To Church To Catch Hell” available in most places where books are sold and via Kindle and Nook.  In 2012 her follow up novel "What Now Finding the Confidence to Move On" was released

A Life of Love

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry..." John 4:17-18 (The Message)

For the past few days, I've had a number conversations with different people who are  struggling through relationships with family members. People who are frustrated that they give more love than they receive. People who feel like they aren't getting enough from family and that their response towards them is lacking. People who are hurting because of words said or actions taken that didn't comfort, calm or encourage but instead destroyed. People arguing over simple things that have now become unmanageable.  People with different perspectives that seemingly can not find common ground.

I understand the hurt that these individuals feel and expressing the wrongs that have been done feels like the right thing to do and on the surface seems comforting. I know that what you continually rehearse in your thoughts will eventually become the image that you have of yourself, good or not so good.  So,  I have shared the same advise with all of them. So I decided that I would share it with you because its advise that helped me when I was in the same mindset. 

Instead of focusing on what the family member didn't do that's negative, think of as many things that you can that highlight what they did do that was positive. And in the moments when thoughts surface that are negative (ie they didnt call when you needed and they knew you were having a crisis, they didnt show up to that monumental event in your life) and those negative thoughts make you angry, heartbroken or sad, change your thought process towards the things that the person did do that are positive. You may have to think really hard but try to remember at least one good thing, it doesn't need to be huge or significant, it just needs to be positive.

Festering in a mindset of anger and confusion never settles anything and only serves to defeat and deflate the way that you see yourself. The Bible says that love when applied in its Biblical context in the manner that God loves us and instructs us to love one another will mature within us such that our fears are banished. Fear surfaces in many ways even through thoughts of abandonment, rejection, worry, confusion and loss of love. Fear cripples your life and as long as your focus is on your fears you can never clearly see the path to the promise.

I have tried this and I assure you that if you embrace a positive mindset and let His love cover your thoughts your life will change for the better.

An Ear to Hear From God

It’s a daily battle to remain confident when discouragement is always lurking.  Loss of a job, bills to pay, economic distress, breakdowns in relationships with family and friends; all of these things can cause a person to lose hope.  When life deals a constant flow of unfortunate circumstances it is difficult for a person to choose to move forward with enthusiastic hope.

The book of Exodus begins with the story of the people of Israel under the rule of a new king of Egypt who was unfamiliar with the promises that had been made to Joseph. The new king developed a plan and made the people of Israel slaves in an attempt to contain them and keep them under control.  The people of Israel once strong and confident eventually landed in a perpetual state of despair after years of hard labor under the rule of the king.  They were severely discouraged.

Discouragement happens when we lose hope in an area that is important to us.  Areas like family, finances, careers, our futures.  The loss of hope becomes despair and we unwillingly become settled that our current state is the way that life is supposed to be. Eventually just like the people of Israel we lose the fire that fuels our inner expectation that life can and will get better.

As the story continues, the king of Egypt dies, the children of Israel cry out to God hoping that He will rescue them from years of hard labor.  Exodus 2:25 reads “God saw what was going on with Israel and He understood.”  So God’s plan is initiated to use Moses to deliver the people of Israel. When Moses tells the children of Israel that the time has come, God has heard their cries and a plan is in place to deliver them from Egypt.  The Bible records that When Moses brought the good news to the children of Israel because they were so beaten and discouraged by their circumstances they could not hear. (Exodus 6:9) The people were defeated and discouraged so much so that when the good news of a new future came from God by way of Moses, they were not able to hear it.  The people of Israel had lost the hope and confidence that God has the power to bring them out, rescue them, redeem them and intervene on their behalf. God needs no explanation for why He does what He does, its simply because He is God.

Have months or years of hard times closed your heart and ears from hearing the voice of God giving you confirmation of His promise to bring you out from underneath desperate times? Don’t get so bogged down by life that your ears become closed to the voice of God bringing your deliverance. If you cannot hear His voice telling you that your time has come, that His plan is in the works to rescue you; then you won’t be able to recognize when He opens the doors of opportunity for you to walk through.

You have do your part, never allow yourself to become so discouraged that you are convinced that God has turned His back on you.  When life seems to defeat you and you feel as if you have been hit with the final knockout punch the key is to remain hopeful that God has not taken His eye off of you. Exodus 3:7-8 says that, “God came down to help the people of Israel, to pry them loose from the grip of Egypt and bring them to a good land with wide-open spaces.” Trust that He will do the same for you, His plan is already in the works to bring you to your own place of change.  A new opportunity for you is on the horizon, you just need to have an ear to hear.