Friends, A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

If I take a moment to be completely transparent, as strong of a person as I am, I have struggled with the idea of relationship rejection.  My life experiences have caused me to be sensitive in the way that I handle relationships with others, family and non family members alike.   I don’t like the idea that somehow something that I did or did not do contributed to the weakening of any of my friendships.

I have heard the message, people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. That mantra had been difficult for me to accept.  Admittedly if I had things my way, I would hold on to all of my relationships for a lifetime.  I don’t like the idea of a “swinging door of friendships”;  you know a different best friend every week.  Frankly, I would rather put a deadlock on the friendship door with a sign that commands all friends to stay and amicably work all grievances out. The reason or season thing to me seems unkind, unloving and lacking of the patience that I always hope that I am able to demonstrate towards others.  I am aware that people change, circumstances change but still it has been difficult for me to be settled with the realization that some of the people that I have a personal relationship with today might not accompany me on the journey to my tomorrow.  

You see I am the girl who is constantly trying to salvage the lost relationship. I don’t want to be known as the offender who doesn’t treat others well. I strive to communicate well so that the intention of my words are not misunderstood.   I am eternally optimistic towards the thought that even if I feel wronged, I should offer a second chance repeatedly.   So I would return multiple times, if necessary, to a failed personal relationship hoping that somehow I could will the person to be ready and agreeable to renew the relationship and moving forward in peace. But you know what,   I cannot think of one time that my efforts have been successful long term.   The person and I might achieve harmony for a moment but eventually, a similar circumstance would occur that caused the relationship to change. 

I have one son who just likes to ride, so no matter who is leaving the house and where they are going he always wants to tag along. Knowing this, my husband and I make certain that we tell him as we are getting dressed to leave out, I am going “here,” if you want to go you need to get ready.  A few weeks ago I was preparing to run errands and I made the normal announcement.  He made his intention to ride known but he didn’t move, just sat there doing whatever he was doing and never made an effort to get ready.  When I was ready to leave, he seemed surprised and wanted me to wait for him to get himself together.  But I couldn’t wait, I had an appointment and waiting for him would cause me to be late.  So like any mother would do, I explained to him that I was running late and I had to go, so he wasn’t going to be able to ride with me this time.

Of course he wasn’t happy, let the pouting begin.  So you know it wasn’t soon after I left home that I got a call from my husband asking “Why did I leave my son behind?”  As I was trying to provide the reason and heard my own words echo through the phone I finally became comfortable with the finality of some relationships where I had been unsettled with their ending. My reply was simply, “He wasn’t ready to go.”

I can definitely pinpoint the root of the collapse of those relationships that I had not been able to reconnect was because that person wasn’t ready to go with me.  There was one longstanding relationship who wasn’t willing to accept the healed Kermeshea, this person wanted me to remain vulnerable and bitter and just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to continue to have conversations rehearsing the past.   Then there was the person who wanted me to slow down, I was “moving too fast” and “acting like I was all of that.”  It’s at this point that I began to second guess my actions and consider what I could do to change these friends’ minds about how they perceive me. 

It has been said that growth happens when we choose the wisdom that we’ve learned and create something with it.  I am happy to have matured to become comfortable with not knowing what could have become of the relationships that got lost along the way.  And I have learned that what I classified as refusal to accept the rejection associated with the normal cycle of relationships was really just personal rebellion.  I am grateful for growth that has reinforced to me that I deserve peace in all my relationships.  That’s not to say that there won’t be disagreement but just that disagreement doesn’t always lead to demise.   

That day when my son wanted to ride, if I had waited,  I would have definitely been late for my appointment or missed it all together.  The same is true in life, holding on or returning to a lost relationship can cause us to miss the divine appointment with our future. The effort spent repairing rifts and strategically maneuvering so as not to cause a new “upset” moment in the relationship is time that is better spent focused on activities that bring us closer to realizing success in every area of our life. 

That Saturday morning, I gave my son all the information that he needed to prepare himself to be ready to go with me.  But video games were his priority and his attention was diverted. Time ran out and he was surprised when I emerged from my bedroom ready to leave.  In life our conversations change, our priorities shift as we are  making ourselves ready for the next step of growth and maturity.  People who are paying attention will notice the signs of impending change, so our forward progress is really no shock to them.  People who are rooting you on to the next point of success will understand when your personal growth necessitates movement.  And those who are supposed to travel the next leg of the journey with you will be prepared and positioned when the time comes to go.

For me, that moment has manifested that allows me to look back at the time spent in my past relationships and not view it as a waste but instead as moments that brought me closer to where I am today. Additionally, I have learned a few lessons that will guide me in the future.  Mainly that I don’t have to carry the burden of responsibility alone. Relationships, no matter how they are classified (friendship, marriage, coworker) are equal opportunities for fulfillment that require 100% effort from all involved. 

So now I have confidence that there are some people who are in my life with reason or for a season; these relationships have altered who I am, molded who I have become, taught me who I want to be and strengthened the ways that I rely on my faith. And, then there are those lifetime relationships that have become the foundation that I use to determine the appropriate cycle for all other relationships. Now that I know that all my relationships won’t be ready to go where I am headed, I am no longer afraid of losing some people along the way

A Piece of My Passion

I am a Preacher’s Kid, the majority of my life was spent in church.  So there are some things that when I see and hear them my first thought is “oh God would not be pleased with this.”  Last night, I tuned into TLC’s new reality series, The Sisterhood, a show marketed as reality with a spiritual twist complete with an insider’s view into the lives of preacher’s wives outside of the church. 

Overall, I am  increasingly disgusted by reality television and the stereotypes that it perpetuates.  Tuning into ‘The Sisterhood’, deep down inside, I hoped that I was about to view an unscripted, positive reflection of the black family and the black church. I thought that I was going to see a show that highlighted the daily duties of a few preacher’s wive’s who were working as an extension of their husbands church ministry making an impact in their church and community.  I hoped that I wouldn’t see women whispering in a corner talking about one another, but I did.  I wished that I wouldn’t see neck rolling, “who gone check me boo? moments, but I did. What I viewed was a direct contrast to what I was expecting, religion set in and after only two minutes my first thought was “God would not be pleased with this.”

But I continued to watch because I know that reality television is just a conglomerate of real moments edited by line editors and producers who leverage their own ideas of reality into the final cut. Today, I am ready to admit that perhaps I was hasty in my initial reaction because there were some “highlightable moments” from the show.

Some truth moments:

1. Most people interact with their pastors wife for 2 hours on the holiest day of her week (Sunday).  So to emphatically state “my pastors wife is not like this” is misguided. Do I know pastors wives who act like these women? Yep, I sure do  Do I know pastors wives who are completely different?  Yes, I sure do.  My point here is that there is no way for us to know the full intent of these women’s hearts from a 1 hour episode.

  

1. The discussion that Pastor Brian had with his daughters about sex was absolutely necessary.  Admittedly, I thought that some of that moment was private and a bit much for television.  But the truth is STDs are real and yes there are pastors daughters who have contracted them.  What I saw in that moment was a father being authentic and acknowledging that he didn’t come into this world a perfect Pastor, but along the way he made some mistakes.  Hopefully by having this real talk sex session, he has equipped his daughters with natural and spiritual tools to discern well about sex.

1. As one of the pastors wives whose husband had just closed the doors of his church visited another pastors wives thriving church, she had a moment where she thought, “this should be me.” A real moment, that happens more often than most in church leadership are willing to admit.  The unspoken competition to be greater instead of being better.  And a chilling reminder that when we compare our lives to others it keeps us from clearly seeing the provision and promise that God has for us. 

Now most will read this and like me will want to defend the pulpit in their own church as being so not like this show and want to immediately categorize the show as disgraceful and damaging to the church.  Because I am a firm believer that the questionable actions of a few can’t destroy the reputations of many, I don’t view this show as detrimental, but that could be the optimistic side of me.  I recognize that there is an overwhelming opposing viewpoint and to those who think otherwise I offer the following points to ponder.

1. It’s Time To Invest -  We worship in buildings that seat thousands and use them two days out of the week.  If we want to change the way that the Christian lifestyle is recorded by Hollywood Executives, a real investment in the next generation of potential Television Producers, Writers and Editors is necessary.  Why aren’t we using the church’s resources to provide a scriptural based spiritual foundation along with educational, vocational and training programs her young people?  The next generation of creative contributors can take Hollywood over with a moral compass that seeks to bring honor and reverence to  God in all that they do.  We need to get back to the basics of teaching our children the principles recognizing that His promises are automatic if they live the principle.

1. It’s Time to Commit - How often do we start and stop outreach initiatives because the success we envisioned is not immediate?  It’s time to commit.  Lack of commitment breeds indecision.  Our individual commitment provides confidence to others that we expect that the outcome will be success.  We need to show the world that we are committed to His work and His ways and will not be pushed around or dismayed by their attempts to decrease and destroy the greatness of our God.

1. It’s Past Time for Change - Change begins with each of us individually.  And, truthfully we shouldn’t wait until another person’s actions bring justification for the need to change.  I believe that the smallest change can yield significant rewards.  So if Christians want to change the way that the world sees us and responds to us, we need to start with ourselves.  Downgrading, despising and/or defending the works of others is a detriment to personal elevation (change).  Allow your personal change to be what leads others to want to know Christ.

1. Stop Believing the Press Clippings - Don’t allow what you hear and see in mass media, television or news to make you start to believe that this world is hopeless or that your contribution won’t matter.  The race isn’t finished and none of us knows the end.  Our work is not done, nor is it ever in vain.  We must continue to focus our efforts and attentions on contributing to progress with sincerity of heart and mind for His glory and not our own.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The question Should I Stay or Should I Go has come up in several forums this week as a result of Eddie Long’s settlement and Creflo Dollar’s defense of his “friend.”  Before you gasp, hold your chest and say “Oh girl, touch not my anointed”, this blog is not really about either of those two men, it is about the people in the pews who are conflicted between allegiance to their “pastor” and that unsettled feeling that they now have about being subject to his leadership.

However, if I did want to say something about either one of these two individuals the scripture “Touch not my anointed, do my prophets no harm”;  a variation of the same words found in both I Chronicles 16:22 and Psalm 105:15 are not intended to be interpreted as “don’t say nothing about the pastor.”  The scripture is misused and misappropriated by modern day pastors who believe that they have an all access, irrevocable membership into a club that allows them to treat people any way that they choose.   First, people need to have a clearer understanding of what the scriptures mean, reading the verses before and after.  Secondly, quoting the scripture as a means of justifying “special entitlement” or absolving one of the crime of spiritually abusing the sheep (people in the pews) is entirely missing the point of being a servant of the Lord, an extension of Christ in the earth realm.  But, I digress because that is a totally different subject and not encompassing of the intention of what I am writing today.

Recently in the news there was a Pastor who battled and fought a major news station for several years and won to clear his name of an accusation of dishonesty and a lie spread about him through the media.  There is no amount of money or length of time that is too great to an innocent man.   God will always vindicate the righteous.

As the daughter of a mega church pastor I have seen and heard things in my life that I know grieved the heart of God.  It is these life experiences that fuel my passion when I see people struggling to justify and defend the actions of abusive church leadership and submitting themselves and their families to the authority of these men and women by saying, “But God hasn’t told me to leave.”   

To that I say, “Have you specifically heard God say stay?”  Its so interesting the extent that people will go to as a means of defending being in the wrong place (church).  If you were sick do you need to hear God say, go see a doctor?  If you heard one of your children screaming out in anguish (pain), do you need to hear God say, go see what’s happening to your child?   I am sure you get my point.  But I would also contend that when you are in an abusive church under the direction of a man or woman who is continually abusing the role of the Pastor by mistreating people inside and outside of the church with an unrepentant heart, God has spoken to you about leaving.  

As a believer God has given you the gift of spiritual discernment (the ability to judge well).  Spiritual discernment is leading (direction) on matters including actions, intents and the course of times that we live in.   Discernment is not something magical, it is the Holy Spirit at work nudging us, leading us and sometimes just pulling you by the nose to increase your awareness and heighten your sensibility to the ways of God.  Discernment allows believers to decipher between God’s way or our way.  

A gut check to use and discern if you are under the wrong leadership:

• Is the message and overall direction of the church centered around Jesus Christ and His Good News?  I Corinthians 1:2-3
• Do the teachings direct you to live a life aligned to scripture and not away from it? Isaiah 8:19
• Do the teachings create a love of righteousness, a fear of sin and a turning away from evil?
• Does the lifestyle of leadership coincide with the message?
• If your Pastors character met his/her message on the street, would they know each other?

The scripture admonishes us to “study to show [ourselves] approved” II Timothy 2:15, in doing so a deeper understanding of the scripture on your own, ‘rightly dividing the truth’ will aid in increasing your ability to justly discern.

A part of my experience in church included seeing a non negotiable line of righteousness for the pew that did not necessarily transcend up to the pulpit, your basic “do as I say, not as I do.”  Lay members who violated the terms of righteousness (ie not tithing,  not coming to every church service regularly) or sinned against God (pregnant out of wedlock or adultery) were removed from their positions so that they could be “ministered to”.   I have witnessed my father removing his “son’s” in the ministry from their own pulpit because of their indiscretions.   Mr. Long’s situation makes me wonder when one of his “friends” will admonish against his actions in love.  “Open rebuke is better than secret love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend...” (Proverbs 27:5-6)   The scripture is given for reproof and correction so that we are equipped for every good work.

In this situation with Mr. Long, a settlement is neither an admission of guilt or innocence, the result of the settlement is that the public will never know the details.  As believers the scripture admonishes us to “abstain from the appearance of evil.‘   When will Mr. Long sit down to be ministered to?  In the Pastoral Epistles (I Timothy, 2 Timothy and Titus), Paul outlines the requirements of the office of the Bishop.  “A Bishop must be blameless”  Additionally, my Bible teaches that God will always ensure that an innocent man’s name is cleared.  Whoever believes [who trusts] in Him will never be put to shame (Romans 10:11).   Not only is Mr. Long’s situation disgraceful for him, it is embarrassing for the members and followers of his teachings.  Which brings me back to the point of that urging, discernment of things.  If the righteous are never brought to shame, God gave signs to the righteous followers before the collapse of this ministry.  It is that still small voice, that raises questions in your spirit and makes you uncomfortable with things that you saw and heard, that we tend to ignore.  Or if we don’t ignore, we quiet the voice by saying “well this Pastor has never done anything to me.”

I believe that in many situations people hold on to situations and relationships for which God has already provided an escape because of the investment that they have made.  That investment comes in many forms - money, time, commitment, loyalty.   It’s difficult to let go.  Ask yourself, am I staying in this church because of my plans?  Is it because you will miss the friends that you have gained?  Is it because you will miss the charismatic delivery of your Pastor?  Are you putting your fleshly desires ahead of God’s plan for your life?   

If you have children, you are commissioned to protect your children.  Even if the pastor has never done anything to the children.  Your child sees what is going on, your child hears the conversations and the murmurings, your child is watching you and your actions are making an impression in their hearts of minds of how to handle similar situations.

I realize the disappointment that the members must now feel about the silence after   the bold declaration to fight back with 5 stones.  They must be angered that they stood beside their leader believing in his innocence and awaiting the day that the world would have to “back back” and declare that the murmurings of guilt were in error.  The realization that the day will never come has got to be unsettling, hurtful and angering.  To that I say, you cannot move past the hurt by remaining in a situation where the person who caused the hurt does not acknowledge the hurt (repent) and commit to change.  So I am sure that you are saying Mr. Long may have repented in his own prayer closet, at his own threshing floor and he doesn’t owe repentance to the public.  That may be the case, however the scripture is clear about handling offenses.   After Zacchaeus met Christ, he publicly repented offering restitution to others who were offended by his dishonesty. (Luke 19:8).    Paul was able to boldly declare that he had no “skeletons in his closet.”  And there was no unanswered cry out against him placing a flaw on his faithfulness to the things of God.

So after all that I still haven’t really given the reader a “Yes” or “No” to the question of whether you stay or go.  That was intentional.  I have provided my experience as well as scripture.  You own your spirituality, you own your relationship with God.  You own what you allow to dwell in your heart.  You own the decision of whether you should stay or go.      The good news is just like you run to the screams of your child, God hears your heart crying out for direction.  

Before I finish, I know I said earlier that I was done with “touch not my anointed”  but I have one more point to make, anointing under the new covenant is established for every believer.  2 Corinthians 1:21 “But it is God Who confirms and makes us steadfast and establishes us [in joint fellowship] with you in Christ, and has consecrated and anointed us [[a]enduing us with the gifts of the Holy Spirit];”   I John 2:27 “But as for you, the anointing (the sacred appointment, the unction) which you received from Him abides permanently] in you; [so] then you have no need that anyone should instruct you. But just as His anointing teaches you concerning everything and is true and is no falsehood, so you must abide in (live in, never depart from) Him [being rooted in Him, knit to Him], just as [His anointing] has taught you [to do].” 

Think on that and put your trust in God to lead and direct you.  “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice saying This is the way, walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21)  

Don’t allow your life to become a casualty of someone else’s sin.  

Kermeshea Evans is the author of the 2010 Breakthrough Novel “Going To Church To Catch Hell” available in most places where books are sold and via Kindle and Nook.  Her follow up novel “Shaking Off the Ashes” is scheduled for release later this summer

What Is True Forgiveness?

How does one forgive and forget? 

To forgive is to make a willing choice. The choice to forgive is a gift not only for the person who you need to forgive, but it is a bigger gift for you. A gift that allows you to let go of the hurt and pain and not be bound by the emotions associated with not forgiving. ForHow does one forgive and forget? To forgive is to make a willing choice. The choice to forgive is a gift not only for the person who you need to forgive, but it is a bigger gift for you. A gift that allows you to let go of the hurt and pain and not be bound by the emotions associated with not forgiving. 


Forgetting does not mean that somehow the offense is magically deleted from your memory. Forgetting is a choice to not hold the offense against the person but instead to treat them as if the offense never occurred. The Bible says that God is all-knowing however, when we sin He chooses to remember the sin no more. God does not hold our sins against us. Ephesians 4:32 "Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you."getting does not mean that somehow the offense is magically deleted from your memory. Forgetting is a choice to not hold the offense against the person but instead to treat them as if the offense never occurred.