Tired of Being Mad

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t find happiness if it were delivered to my front door by paid courier in a 10 foot box wrapped in my favorite chocolate, adorned with flashing Christmas lights.  Difficulty was my friend and we coexisted without much regard for how we effected the people around me. Every moment of every day I was on the verge of delving deeper into anger and hostility, and it didn't take much to set me off.  If the smallest detail was not as I planned or someone said the wrong thing to me, watch out and be sure to duck for cover!  I didn't want to be that way but I wasn't doing anything personally to change it.

Periodically, I would look at my husband and say, “I am not happy, what are you going to do about it?”  As I write this, I am really ashamed that the statement was ever a part of my truth.  But the fact is that I expected him to ride in on a white stallion, pull his sword and command the universe to make me happy just like any good knight would do.

It would be unfair of me to insinuate that my husband did not give his best effort to elevate my spirit, because he did.  As much as I wanted it to be his responsibility to make me happy, it was not.  Just like things, money and materialistic pleasures have proved time and time again to not be the anecdote to personal misery automatically making the unhappy joyous, it is unreasonable to suggest that one person can bring another sustained happiness.  Even if happy moments manifest because of actions from people via gifts or kind words, the feeling is usually temporal and not representative of true joy. 

The moment that I realized that my happiness was directly connected to my personal ability to choose to be happy in spite of, I started to live a satisfying life.  You see, happiness is a personal choice and in neglecting to make the choice, a person essentially chooses the opposite of happiness which is misery.  In choosing happiness, one makes a decision that regardless of the daily nuisances, frustrations and aggravations that seek to destroy and distract,   that you will remain committed to a consistent state of joy.  

Remaining happy is most likely not the easiest choice.  As a matter of the fact, the decision is further complicated when life isn’t going well.  It is probably simpler to waller in self pity and allow situations to dictate our emotional state.  But happiness is not about everything in your life being perfectly aligned at the same time.  It is accepting that anything that is “out of sequence/line” is temporary and the “out of whack” things detached from everything else in your life are not worth upsetting the balance and harmony of the things that are going well.  Admittedly it is hard work to choose to be happy.  The choice requires a constant repositioning of your thoughts, words and emotions away from the negative towards the positive.

People who are able to maintain a content persona even in the midst of tough times have conquered and lived through this important life lesson.  Happiness is not a magical feeling that happens automatically, it is a choice.  Your personal happiness cannot be dependent upon what people around you say and do, because that makes your happiness volatile and easily devastated.

A life rooted in happiness is for the courageous, selfless, focused, decisive individual who says “NO” to the path of frustration and stress and instead says “YES” to a pathway of peace.  We all own our individual happiness as well as our personal responses/reactions to moments that may cause us to lose sight of the joy that life in Him brings.   In the times when there are causes, people or things that are not ideal and seek to dismantle your disposition, you must choose to remain happy.  So now when people look at me and ask “When did you become so happy?”  My response is always simple, “It happened the day that I decided that my way wasn't working and better was possible if I chose to be happy.”

Kermeshea Evans is the author of the 2010 Breakthrough Novel “Going To Church To Catch Hell” available in most places where books are sold and via Kindle and Nook.  In 2012 her follow up novel "What Now Finding the Confidence to Move On" was released

A Life of Love

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry..." John 4:17-18 (The Message)

For the past few days, I've had a number conversations with different people who are  struggling through relationships with family members. People who are frustrated that they give more love than they receive. People who feel like they aren't getting enough from family and that their response towards them is lacking. People who are hurting because of words said or actions taken that didn't comfort, calm or encourage but instead destroyed. People arguing over simple things that have now become unmanageable.  People with different perspectives that seemingly can not find common ground.

I understand the hurt that these individuals feel and expressing the wrongs that have been done feels like the right thing to do and on the surface seems comforting. I know that what you continually rehearse in your thoughts will eventually become the image that you have of yourself, good or not so good.  So,  I have shared the same advise with all of them. So I decided that I would share it with you because its advise that helped me when I was in the same mindset. 

Instead of focusing on what the family member didn't do that's negative, think of as many things that you can that highlight what they did do that was positive. And in the moments when thoughts surface that are negative (ie they didnt call when you needed and they knew you were having a crisis, they didnt show up to that monumental event in your life) and those negative thoughts make you angry, heartbroken or sad, change your thought process towards the things that the person did do that are positive. You may have to think really hard but try to remember at least one good thing, it doesn't need to be huge or significant, it just needs to be positive.

Festering in a mindset of anger and confusion never settles anything and only serves to defeat and deflate the way that you see yourself. The Bible says that love when applied in its Biblical context in the manner that God loves us and instructs us to love one another will mature within us such that our fears are banished. Fear surfaces in many ways even through thoughts of abandonment, rejection, worry, confusion and loss of love. Fear cripples your life and as long as your focus is on your fears you can never clearly see the path to the promise.

I have tried this and I assure you that if you embrace a positive mindset and let His love cover your thoughts your life will change for the better.

An Ear to Hear From God

It’s a daily battle to remain confident when discouragement is always lurking.  Loss of a job, bills to pay, economic distress, breakdowns in relationships with family and friends; all of these things can cause a person to lose hope.  When life deals a constant flow of unfortunate circumstances it is difficult for a person to choose to move forward with enthusiastic hope.

The book of Exodus begins with the story of the people of Israel under the rule of a new king of Egypt who was unfamiliar with the promises that had been made to Joseph. The new king developed a plan and made the people of Israel slaves in an attempt to contain them and keep them under control.  The people of Israel once strong and confident eventually landed in a perpetual state of despair after years of hard labor under the rule of the king.  They were severely discouraged.

Discouragement happens when we lose hope in an area that is important to us.  Areas like family, finances, careers, our futures.  The loss of hope becomes despair and we unwillingly become settled that our current state is the way that life is supposed to be. Eventually just like the people of Israel we lose the fire that fuels our inner expectation that life can and will get better.

As the story continues, the king of Egypt dies, the children of Israel cry out to God hoping that He will rescue them from years of hard labor.  Exodus 2:25 reads “God saw what was going on with Israel and He understood.”  So God’s plan is initiated to use Moses to deliver the people of Israel. When Moses tells the children of Israel that the time has come, God has heard their cries and a plan is in place to deliver them from Egypt.  The Bible records that When Moses brought the good news to the children of Israel because they were so beaten and discouraged by their circumstances they could not hear. (Exodus 6:9) The people were defeated and discouraged so much so that when the good news of a new future came from God by way of Moses, they were not able to hear it.  The people of Israel had lost the hope and confidence that God has the power to bring them out, rescue them, redeem them and intervene on their behalf. God needs no explanation for why He does what He does, its simply because He is God.

Have months or years of hard times closed your heart and ears from hearing the voice of God giving you confirmation of His promise to bring you out from underneath desperate times? Don’t get so bogged down by life that your ears become closed to the voice of God bringing your deliverance. If you cannot hear His voice telling you that your time has come, that His plan is in the works to rescue you; then you won’t be able to recognize when He opens the doors of opportunity for you to walk through.

You have do your part, never allow yourself to become so discouraged that you are convinced that God has turned His back on you.  When life seems to defeat you and you feel as if you have been hit with the final knockout punch the key is to remain hopeful that God has not taken His eye off of you. Exodus 3:7-8 says that, “God came down to help the people of Israel, to pry them loose from the grip of Egypt and bring them to a good land with wide-open spaces.” Trust that He will do the same for you, His plan is already in the works to bring you to your own place of change.  A new opportunity for you is on the horizon, you just need to have an ear to hear.

Friends, A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

If I take a moment to be completely transparent, as strong of a person as I am, I have struggled with the idea of relationship rejection.  My life experiences have caused me to be sensitive in the way that I handle relationships with others, family and non family members alike.   I don’t like the idea that somehow something that I did or did not do contributed to the weakening of any of my friendships.

I have heard the message, people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. That mantra had been difficult for me to accept.  Admittedly if I had things my way, I would hold on to all of my relationships for a lifetime.  I don’t like the idea of a “swinging door of friendships”;  you know a different best friend every week.  Frankly, I would rather put a deadlock on the friendship door with a sign that commands all friends to stay and amicably work all grievances out. The reason or season thing to me seems unkind, unloving and lacking of the patience that I always hope that I am able to demonstrate towards others.  I am aware that people change, circumstances change but still it has been difficult for me to be settled with the realization that some of the people that I have a personal relationship with today might not accompany me on the journey to my tomorrow.  

You see I am the girl who is constantly trying to salvage the lost relationship. I don’t want to be known as the offender who doesn’t treat others well. I strive to communicate well so that the intention of my words are not misunderstood.   I am eternally optimistic towards the thought that even if I feel wronged, I should offer a second chance repeatedly.   So I would return multiple times, if necessary, to a failed personal relationship hoping that somehow I could will the person to be ready and agreeable to renew the relationship and moving forward in peace. But you know what,   I cannot think of one time that my efforts have been successful long term.   The person and I might achieve harmony for a moment but eventually, a similar circumstance would occur that caused the relationship to change. 

I have one son who just likes to ride, so no matter who is leaving the house and where they are going he always wants to tag along. Knowing this, my husband and I make certain that we tell him as we are getting dressed to leave out, I am going “here,” if you want to go you need to get ready.  A few weeks ago I was preparing to run errands and I made the normal announcement.  He made his intention to ride known but he didn’t move, just sat there doing whatever he was doing and never made an effort to get ready.  When I was ready to leave, he seemed surprised and wanted me to wait for him to get himself together.  But I couldn’t wait, I had an appointment and waiting for him would cause me to be late.  So like any mother would do, I explained to him that I was running late and I had to go, so he wasn’t going to be able to ride with me this time.

Of course he wasn’t happy, let the pouting begin.  So you know it wasn’t soon after I left home that I got a call from my husband asking “Why did I leave my son behind?”  As I was trying to provide the reason and heard my own words echo through the phone I finally became comfortable with the finality of some relationships where I had been unsettled with their ending. My reply was simply, “He wasn’t ready to go.”

I can definitely pinpoint the root of the collapse of those relationships that I had not been able to reconnect was because that person wasn’t ready to go with me.  There was one longstanding relationship who wasn’t willing to accept the healed Kermeshea, this person wanted me to remain vulnerable and bitter and just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to continue to have conversations rehearsing the past.   Then there was the person who wanted me to slow down, I was “moving too fast” and “acting like I was all of that.”  It’s at this point that I began to second guess my actions and consider what I could do to change these friends’ minds about how they perceive me. 

It has been said that growth happens when we choose the wisdom that we’ve learned and create something with it.  I am happy to have matured to become comfortable with not knowing what could have become of the relationships that got lost along the way.  And I have learned that what I classified as refusal to accept the rejection associated with the normal cycle of relationships was really just personal rebellion.  I am grateful for growth that has reinforced to me that I deserve peace in all my relationships.  That’s not to say that there won’t be disagreement but just that disagreement doesn’t always lead to demise.   

That day when my son wanted to ride, if I had waited,  I would have definitely been late for my appointment or missed it all together.  The same is true in life, holding on or returning to a lost relationship can cause us to miss the divine appointment with our future. The effort spent repairing rifts and strategically maneuvering so as not to cause a new “upset” moment in the relationship is time that is better spent focused on activities that bring us closer to realizing success in every area of our life. 

That Saturday morning, I gave my son all the information that he needed to prepare himself to be ready to go with me.  But video games were his priority and his attention was diverted. Time ran out and he was surprised when I emerged from my bedroom ready to leave.  In life our conversations change, our priorities shift as we are  making ourselves ready for the next step of growth and maturity.  People who are paying attention will notice the signs of impending change, so our forward progress is really no shock to them.  People who are rooting you on to the next point of success will understand when your personal growth necessitates movement.  And those who are supposed to travel the next leg of the journey with you will be prepared and positioned when the time comes to go.

For me, that moment has manifested that allows me to look back at the time spent in my past relationships and not view it as a waste but instead as moments that brought me closer to where I am today. Additionally, I have learned a few lessons that will guide me in the future.  Mainly that I don’t have to carry the burden of responsibility alone. Relationships, no matter how they are classified (friendship, marriage, coworker) are equal opportunities for fulfillment that require 100% effort from all involved. 

So now I have confidence that there are some people who are in my life with reason or for a season; these relationships have altered who I am, molded who I have become, taught me who I want to be and strengthened the ways that I rely on my faith. And, then there are those lifetime relationships that have become the foundation that I use to determine the appropriate cycle for all other relationships. Now that I know that all my relationships won’t be ready to go where I am headed, I am no longer afraid of losing some people along the way