Friends, A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

If I take a moment to be completely transparent, as strong of a person as I am, I have struggled with the idea of relationship rejection.  My life experiences have caused me to be sensitive in the way that I handle relationships with others, family and non family members alike.   I don’t like the idea that somehow something that I did or did not do contributed to the weakening of any of my friendships.

I have heard the message, people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. That mantra had been difficult for me to accept.  Admittedly if I had things my way, I would hold on to all of my relationships for a lifetime.  I don’t like the idea of a “swinging door of friendships”;  you know a different best friend every week.  Frankly, I would rather put a deadlock on the friendship door with a sign that commands all friends to stay and amicably work all grievances out. The reason or season thing to me seems unkind, unloving and lacking of the patience that I always hope that I am able to demonstrate towards others.  I am aware that people change, circumstances change but still it has been difficult for me to be settled with the realization that some of the people that I have a personal relationship with today might not accompany me on the journey to my tomorrow.  

You see I am the girl who is constantly trying to salvage the lost relationship. I don’t want to be known as the offender who doesn’t treat others well. I strive to communicate well so that the intention of my words are not misunderstood.   I am eternally optimistic towards the thought that even if I feel wronged, I should offer a second chance repeatedly.   So I would return multiple times, if necessary, to a failed personal relationship hoping that somehow I could will the person to be ready and agreeable to renew the relationship and moving forward in peace. But you know what,   I cannot think of one time that my efforts have been successful long term.   The person and I might achieve harmony for a moment but eventually, a similar circumstance would occur that caused the relationship to change. 

I have one son who just likes to ride, so no matter who is leaving the house and where they are going he always wants to tag along. Knowing this, my husband and I make certain that we tell him as we are getting dressed to leave out, I am going “here,” if you want to go you need to get ready.  A few weeks ago I was preparing to run errands and I made the normal announcement.  He made his intention to ride known but he didn’t move, just sat there doing whatever he was doing and never made an effort to get ready.  When I was ready to leave, he seemed surprised and wanted me to wait for him to get himself together.  But I couldn’t wait, I had an appointment and waiting for him would cause me to be late.  So like any mother would do, I explained to him that I was running late and I had to go, so he wasn’t going to be able to ride with me this time.

Of course he wasn’t happy, let the pouting begin.  So you know it wasn’t soon after I left home that I got a call from my husband asking “Why did I leave my son behind?”  As I was trying to provide the reason and heard my own words echo through the phone I finally became comfortable with the finality of some relationships where I had been unsettled with their ending. My reply was simply, “He wasn’t ready to go.”

I can definitely pinpoint the root of the collapse of those relationships that I had not been able to reconnect was because that person wasn’t ready to go with me.  There was one longstanding relationship who wasn’t willing to accept the healed Kermeshea, this person wanted me to remain vulnerable and bitter and just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to continue to have conversations rehearsing the past.   Then there was the person who wanted me to slow down, I was “moving too fast” and “acting like I was all of that.”  It’s at this point that I began to second guess my actions and consider what I could do to change these friends’ minds about how they perceive me. 

It has been said that growth happens when we choose the wisdom that we’ve learned and create something with it.  I am happy to have matured to become comfortable with not knowing what could have become of the relationships that got lost along the way.  And I have learned that what I classified as refusal to accept the rejection associated with the normal cycle of relationships was really just personal rebellion.  I am grateful for growth that has reinforced to me that I deserve peace in all my relationships.  That’s not to say that there won’t be disagreement but just that disagreement doesn’t always lead to demise.   

That day when my son wanted to ride, if I had waited,  I would have definitely been late for my appointment or missed it all together.  The same is true in life, holding on or returning to a lost relationship can cause us to miss the divine appointment with our future. The effort spent repairing rifts and strategically maneuvering so as not to cause a new “upset” moment in the relationship is time that is better spent focused on activities that bring us closer to realizing success in every area of our life. 

That Saturday morning, I gave my son all the information that he needed to prepare himself to be ready to go with me.  But video games were his priority and his attention was diverted. Time ran out and he was surprised when I emerged from my bedroom ready to leave.  In life our conversations change, our priorities shift as we are  making ourselves ready for the next step of growth and maturity.  People who are paying attention will notice the signs of impending change, so our forward progress is really no shock to them.  People who are rooting you on to the next point of success will understand when your personal growth necessitates movement.  And those who are supposed to travel the next leg of the journey with you will be prepared and positioned when the time comes to go.

For me, that moment has manifested that allows me to look back at the time spent in my past relationships and not view it as a waste but instead as moments that brought me closer to where I am today. Additionally, I have learned a few lessons that will guide me in the future.  Mainly that I don’t have to carry the burden of responsibility alone. Relationships, no matter how they are classified (friendship, marriage, coworker) are equal opportunities for fulfillment that require 100% effort from all involved. 

So now I have confidence that there are some people who are in my life with reason or for a season; these relationships have altered who I am, molded who I have become, taught me who I want to be and strengthened the ways that I rely on my faith. And, then there are those lifetime relationships that have become the foundation that I use to determine the appropriate cycle for all other relationships. Now that I know that all my relationships won’t be ready to go where I am headed, I am no longer afraid of losing some people along the way

A Piece of My Passion

I am a Preacher’s Kid, the majority of my life was spent in church.  So there are some things that when I see and hear them my first thought is “oh God would not be pleased with this.”  Last night, I tuned into TLC’s new reality series, The Sisterhood, a show marketed as reality with a spiritual twist complete with an insider’s view into the lives of preacher’s wives outside of the church. 

Overall, I am  increasingly disgusted by reality television and the stereotypes that it perpetuates.  Tuning into ‘The Sisterhood’, deep down inside, I hoped that I was about to view an unscripted, positive reflection of the black family and the black church. I thought that I was going to see a show that highlighted the daily duties of a few preacher’s wive’s who were working as an extension of their husbands church ministry making an impact in their church and community.  I hoped that I wouldn’t see women whispering in a corner talking about one another, but I did.  I wished that I wouldn’t see neck rolling, “who gone check me boo? moments, but I did. What I viewed was a direct contrast to what I was expecting, religion set in and after only two minutes my first thought was “God would not be pleased with this.”

But I continued to watch because I know that reality television is just a conglomerate of real moments edited by line editors and producers who leverage their own ideas of reality into the final cut. Today, I am ready to admit that perhaps I was hasty in my initial reaction because there were some “highlightable moments” from the show.

Some truth moments:

1. Most people interact with their pastors wife for 2 hours on the holiest day of her week (Sunday).  So to emphatically state “my pastors wife is not like this” is misguided. Do I know pastors wives who act like these women? Yep, I sure do  Do I know pastors wives who are completely different?  Yes, I sure do.  My point here is that there is no way for us to know the full intent of these women’s hearts from a 1 hour episode.

  

1. The discussion that Pastor Brian had with his daughters about sex was absolutely necessary.  Admittedly, I thought that some of that moment was private and a bit much for television.  But the truth is STDs are real and yes there are pastors daughters who have contracted them.  What I saw in that moment was a father being authentic and acknowledging that he didn’t come into this world a perfect Pastor, but along the way he made some mistakes.  Hopefully by having this real talk sex session, he has equipped his daughters with natural and spiritual tools to discern well about sex.

1. As one of the pastors wives whose husband had just closed the doors of his church visited another pastors wives thriving church, she had a moment where she thought, “this should be me.” A real moment, that happens more often than most in church leadership are willing to admit.  The unspoken competition to be greater instead of being better.  And a chilling reminder that when we compare our lives to others it keeps us from clearly seeing the provision and promise that God has for us. 

Now most will read this and like me will want to defend the pulpit in their own church as being so not like this show and want to immediately categorize the show as disgraceful and damaging to the church.  Because I am a firm believer that the questionable actions of a few can’t destroy the reputations of many, I don’t view this show as detrimental, but that could be the optimistic side of me.  I recognize that there is an overwhelming opposing viewpoint and to those who think otherwise I offer the following points to ponder.

1. It’s Time To Invest -  We worship in buildings that seat thousands and use them two days out of the week.  If we want to change the way that the Christian lifestyle is recorded by Hollywood Executives, a real investment in the next generation of potential Television Producers, Writers and Editors is necessary.  Why aren’t we using the church’s resources to provide a scriptural based spiritual foundation along with educational, vocational and training programs her young people?  The next generation of creative contributors can take Hollywood over with a moral compass that seeks to bring honor and reverence to  God in all that they do.  We need to get back to the basics of teaching our children the principles recognizing that His promises are automatic if they live the principle.

1. It’s Time to Commit - How often do we start and stop outreach initiatives because the success we envisioned is not immediate?  It’s time to commit.  Lack of commitment breeds indecision.  Our individual commitment provides confidence to others that we expect that the outcome will be success.  We need to show the world that we are committed to His work and His ways and will not be pushed around or dismayed by their attempts to decrease and destroy the greatness of our God.

1. It’s Past Time for Change - Change begins with each of us individually.  And, truthfully we shouldn’t wait until another person’s actions bring justification for the need to change.  I believe that the smallest change can yield significant rewards.  So if Christians want to change the way that the world sees us and responds to us, we need to start with ourselves.  Downgrading, despising and/or defending the works of others is a detriment to personal elevation (change).  Allow your personal change to be what leads others to want to know Christ.

1. Stop Believing the Press Clippings - Don’t allow what you hear and see in mass media, television or news to make you start to believe that this world is hopeless or that your contribution won’t matter.  The race isn’t finished and none of us knows the end.  Our work is not done, nor is it ever in vain.  We must continue to focus our efforts and attentions on contributing to progress with sincerity of heart and mind for His glory and not our own.